Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
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hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
who wore it better?
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.