Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
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scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Yup.
