Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”

doctor: we need to draw some blood

4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

[watching kids make snowman]

Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?

Wife: Yes…why?

Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.