interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
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Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.