interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
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I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”