Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
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I already tried new things thanks.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.