Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

Inside you there are two wolves

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter