Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

Milk Cube

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.