interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
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Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?