Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?