Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad