Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you can’t find your friend Neil

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.

“…nevermind.”