Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
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Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.