Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
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A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
But wait…
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
