Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
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Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
“Wait, let me explain..”
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Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
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