Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*

The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

A robber walks into a bank with a glue gun

And shouts “This is a stick-up!”

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar