Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

WHY would you be happy about this?

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂

Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?

My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO