Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

beware of dog
(jukin media)

I think I’m gonna be sick

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

getting groceries

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.

Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.