Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH

Me: lmao go ahead I can take it

Townspeople: you have a dumb face

Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

i hate you platonically

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.