Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
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[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
*lint rolls you awake*
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.