Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

ㅤ

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one