Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
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wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
The smoothest fall of all time
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Spell check is for lasers.
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Art by Pastelkatto
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me