Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
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Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider