Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

for all #parents out there

[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

You Tolkien to me?

Hobbit de Niro.

#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.