Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

no

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

rebranding

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

as cold as it is i may take up that offer for a ride in that windowless van