Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
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Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.