Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
you’re so productive for your wage
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
the short answer to this question
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?