Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

💀😭

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

🐶😂

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.