interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
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*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”