Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.

Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.

It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.

#COVID19

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Me: please wait a little longer

Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!

She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass

Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?

Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you

Scientist: too late

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

[dinner w/friends]

“How long you two been married?”

It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.