Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.