Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

every single time

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

😂

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.