Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
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Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Attacked by a mop.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.