Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
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Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.