Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead