Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

I know

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]

me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.