Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

😁

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

Friend without kids: I’m so tired.

Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried