Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
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When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50