Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*

2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

Bring back the McRib

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

Name another movie that mislead you?

God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes

Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?

God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!

Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-

God: ALL THE NECKS!

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here