Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
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Stop it! 😂
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them