Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

me irl

COP: let’s see some ID sir

ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*

COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud

ME: fine *hands him the lemon*

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

Them: You’re too focused on revenge

Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

People: cheer up, things could be worse

Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.