Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

Mornin

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

making sure he doesnt get away

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.