Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

every single time

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

And bowling should be called pinball

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.