Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

who did the taste test?

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

Rt to bother an English speaker

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.