interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
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It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
*weighs self after shaving
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve