Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

Body by cheese-puffs.

Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.