interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
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They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
“FOUND ‘EM!”
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
all that yoga finally paid off
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake