Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

I’m having an out of money experience.

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong