interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
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The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Pigeon open mic night.
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch