interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
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[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂