Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

grotesque if literal: baby food

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

😭😭😭

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

Received dm of the day

No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*