Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

Oh yeah that’s it

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played