Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
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Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
