Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
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it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid
holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much