Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
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Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
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Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]