Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
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*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Strangers have the best candy.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Time for evil
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?