Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
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The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
handsome & gretel
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now