interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
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“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!