Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

This 4th of July, please remember…

WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.

ME: Ugh fine.

[later]

WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?

ME: His name is torch now.

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.