Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A telemarketer just called my cell phone.

I pretended to be a phone sex operator.

HE didn’t hang up.

…things got awkward.

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’