Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents