interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
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The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
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I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
When someone says you are so lazy
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“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”