interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
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me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old