Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
You Might Also Like
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Morning my dudes.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.