Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

next question.

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.