INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
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It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Saturday
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
twitter is a journey
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.