Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.

ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…