Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*

8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??