Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.

Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.

Wife: I watched you dress her.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

OMG 🤣🤣

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.