interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
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Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]