Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?

Because OJ will kill you.

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.

‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.