Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

2023 was just a warmup

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

Basketball games are very squeaky.

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”