Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE

Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

somebody come look at this

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person