Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in

-My dog, all day long.

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

When you’ve simply given up.

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!

ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall