Mom: Why didn’t you answer your phone?
M: I was in a lecture.
Mom: Where are you now?
M: Walking the dog.
Mom: You need better excuses.
M: It’s the truth.
Mom: Then put the dog on.
INTERVIEWER: do u have any weaknesses
VIDEO GAME BOSS: [strugling to cover glowing weak spots all over body] UM
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You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Me: *passes ransom note*
Mom: 2 bags of unmarked cookies?
Me: Or you’ll never see the cat alive!
Mom: He’s behind you.
Me: STUPID KITTY!
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave