I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
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Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’