Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
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*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon